Today. was just fucking weird. Man, I dont even feel like discussing it alright. It’s just too much. It wasnt necessarily bad, or even really good. I dont know what it was. There were a few key moments where I was getting upset but didnt, I mean I dont know, I stopped myself somehow (mostly probably because i was talking to this super fucking adorable girl who lives super fucking way the hell away from me all day and cute girls always calm me down) but I let them fucking have it and usually I dont so then I’m just blow up about it later. I just need to be more honest, is what it is. but, I started shit on facebook cause I’m mad at the entire world and god, its just so much fun. it’s sick that i get that much pleasure out of it, I know, I need to stay away. I needed to come home. and by home, i mean tumblr. =] and so anyway, I wrote half of this thing this morning and then i wrote the other part like…right now. i mean, a minute ago. and i dont know. it only makes sense in my head and in my childhood and im being kind of outrageous and crazy bpd-y right now but whatever. my shit never makes sense anyway. just keep it. okay? i cant hold it.
hey look, I wrote a poem in 3 minutes. this morning. before they got here.
whats up, free verse? i still have skills.
and I dont care that you dont get it. I get it. Trust me, I got it.
two of them are dead.
one has been taken by divorce,
which in turn,
has left another to leave by choice.
one is too young. another is much younger.
one has gotten out and made her own. one is just too sad.
maybe just too old, we’re too tired.
one is too busy. one is just oblivious.
one of them is all wrong. one just doesnt fit.
one is just controlled. one of them is dreaming.
one of them is different, one is not the same.
some of them, and different names, i never even knew.
most of them are long gone, most of them have always been.
and the rest, the rest of them cant be bothered to care at all.
Is this what you call a family?
Is this what you call a family?
Are you sure?
No more laughs and wrestles and where have you been, kid.
What’s happened to toothless grins and school’s going just fine.
Have you met my friend?
What’s become of old toys, and grass stomped dead underneath feet with back and forth play.
How old are you today? Whats your favorite color now?
Where’s it gone, nights with sleepovers and how do I work this shower
Are we still best buds? Please say it, you’re my best buddy. My best.
What’s happened to did you see my new shirt, what kind of presents did you get, how long til I see you again, friend. Just how long has it been?
Maybe I cant count that high. Not yet. No, not this time.
No more pull my finger, and stolen bread, hidden eggs, WHERE IS HE?!
Where are they.
I don’t know,
it doesn’t feel the same.
Is this what we call family?
*p.s., I might edit this later because I always change shit around in my writing once ive calmed down and the days have moved
-i had sleeping with sirens stuck in my head all fucking day
-i feel like ive lost something vitally, critically, fucking important and i dont know what to do with it
-how in the shit am i supposed to breathe without them?
-i was thinking of back when we were kids and he used to chase me around. back when we would fight over who got the best easter eggs, with the money my grandpa would hide inside. it always comes right smack fucking back to him. i miss him something awful. goddamn him.