i finally gave in and got an iphone today.
i got my first phone when i was 15, because my mama raised us right and believed we didnt need a cellphone until we got our learners permit and would be out driving, you know its just a safety issue. i had my envy1, the beautiful orange one, man I loved that thing to death. I called him fred and he was mine and i still miss it because it was such a good phone but i have this nasty habit of never being able to let anything go so i had way too many texts saved and way too many pictures he just couldnt keep working efficiently anymore so before i went away to college mom made me upgrade but i didnt wanna wander too far so i just got the envy 3 and ive had that motherfucker ever since. thats 4 damn years of a shit ass phone. he wasnt as good as the original fred but i guess i still loved him too. gotta tell you, dude. it was hard as fuck watching it get cut off today. that phone has every text from nancy that says i love you, i want you with me always. everything good thing she said, its on there. every cute picture we took together, is on that phone. and i know it just sits there once you cut it off, but its weird having something that nancy hasnt infected. its just fucking…not normal for me, for her to not be with me. the more time passes, the more she disappears you know. its like the longer it goes, the more i feel like she was never even here at all. just another piece, you know. i should be used to that shit now. i lose my pieces ALL. THE. TIME. and yet, i never do seem to deal with them any better. oh well.
anyway. i got it. and i was pretty mad about it. the dude was stupid and it was supposed to be free but somehow after waiting 4 fucking years, i lost my upgrade because moms been changing around our damn plans since she got a new gf and shit and ughhhhh it was supposed to be completely free but we got charged an upgrade fee and im fucking sick of all these goddamn hidden fees and nobody ever fucking telling you of them until you already get all the way through then like oh surprise. i mean damn, cant be fucking up front with anybody ever. i just always feel like im being taken advantage of and thats not fucking okay, so that had me going. i really fucking wanted something more than 8gb because im gonna fill that shit up in like a goddamn week. everybodys like nah, youll be fine. i dont think you fucking understand how much i can not let shit go. GODDDD! shut up. people are always trying to tell me whats right for me. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW. im gonna have to constantly be putting shit on my computer and deleting it from the phone. i dont know, you know, im just not happy. nothing ever makes me happy. and THAT’s what really makes me unhappy. im pissed my mom had to pay a damn fee and im pissed her bill’s gonna go up. i am always guilt-ridden no matter how many times she tells me its ok. i just have a guilty conscience for whatever stupid mentally ill reasons god only fucking knows where that shit comes from. either way, i fucking hate it. its so hard to live when youre always feeling bad about EVERYTHING. it weighs so fucking heavy on my i feel like i cant ever fucking BREATHE!!!
we went to a bunch of places to find a case but i didnt like any of them the affordable ones were too fucking cheap and flimsy and the nice ones were way to fucking expensive and theres the guilt thing again. plus i wanted a specific color and i really want a harry potter one. so i need to just find that shit online except what the hell am i gonna do until then these motherfucking phones are so goddamn breakable i cant even breathe on it wrong. so we bought those screen protector things except my sister is cheap as hell so she got me to get the 5 dollar one except when my brother tried putting it on he said it sucked and it didnt work right so we had to go back fucking out to get a 20 dollar one and he just…GOD! he couldnt make that perfect either theres all these bubbles and lint and dust trapped under it so i just got really upset and ripped it off and told him to forget it because i just want it to be perfect and it never can be and i can not fucking handle how stressed out this makes me then i just feel worse for blowing up on everybody
its just really hard for me okay? i was already having a rough day because thats just what happens when i envision things going a certain way and they dont. i dont have fucking coping skills. i never got that crap down. so instead of just dealing with it, i completely lose my fucking shit. and instead of just telling everybody whats going on i just decide to start crying and the world feels like its ending. and i cant just explain to them like hey this is why im upset because when i do they think im being ridiculous because apparently, nothing i feel is ever valid to anyone. its just fucking hard, man. dealing with this shit when nobody believes its a real thing, when nobody understands how goddamn difficult it is for me to fight myself everyday. THIS IS FUCKING HARD.
and i just shoulda never got the stupid phone in the first place.
i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate change. it woulda been nice if i had developed actual coping skills as a child like every other normal human being on this planet. but, no. god decided to be a dick and give me this stupid disorder that ruins my fucking life in every single fucking dumb thing that i try to do. i should be grateful. some people dont even have food to eat or places to sleep and im crying because i cant get a proper screen cover on my phone so the glass wont scratch.
i am a piece of shit person and i dont want to be me anymore.