i never told people this because i dont want them to think badly of her because i STILL dont believe that shes a bad person, despite everything shes done to me, i still think deep down there is so much good. she just doesnt let people see. shes just afraid.
but i was crying on the bus yesterday and its been 3 years but i finally told my mom.
it takes me a long time to come out with things okay cause id much rather just ignore them
but the last conversation i had with nancy, was when i just got out of the hospital and i asked her if she had missed me. i expected my phone to be blowing up, i expected visitors, i expected at least people to notice i had left and to ask if i was okay. but they didnt. none of them did because i make friends with shitty humans. except nancy wasnt one of them, she always checked on me. she always cared.
except this time she told me no. she told me she was relieved when i went away because she finally didnt have to deal with me anymore. she told me i should have gone through with killing myself. she told me she’d be better off if i wasnt always getting in the way of her life, messing up things with her boyfriends. if i hadnt made her be fucking gay. like it was my goddamn fault for making her be herself.
the girl i was in love with told me she wanted me dead and i’m supposed to just live with that?
do you think she ever apologized for that shit? hahaha, thats a fucking laugh. you know what she did, being the stand up girl that she is, she changed her number and deleted her facebook, her email, her tumblr, and every other possible way i could ever get in contact with her. thats the last fucking thing she said to me and you people sit around and wonder why i get so upset when they bring her up. come on.
how am i supposed to just accept that and move on? wheres my damn apology, wheres my explanation, wheres my closure? they tell me these stupid things about how you cant control what other people do, only what you do and only how you react to it. that is the biggest fucking crock of shit ever. show me how to do that, then, huh? show me. if im supposed to be okay with someone i love telling me i should kill myself, fucking show me how.
cheyenne tells me im crazy all the time. that i didnt deserve her. that i dont deserve anybody because i ruin them all. she tells me she understands why nancy did what she did. she tells me im a bad person and i am never going to get better.
and i know im not an easy person to be with, i get it. god, im there, i know how hard it is for them. i know im not nice sometimes and i do things that arent okay to them. i hurt them. im irrational. im inappropriate. im impulsive. im indecisive. im angry. im sad. im mean. i know this. but i cant stop it and they think i can. they think i do these things on purpose. they dont think its hard for me too. they dont believe in my sickness. they dont believe in me at all.
i know im not good. but i didnt think i deserved to die. i didnt think i dont deserve love at all.
i believe the things they say. i believe them and i repeat them. im supposed to get through each day with that shit going around and around in my head.
nobody ever laid a fucking hand on me, but if that isnt abuse than i missed the real definition.
the people i love, dont love me. they want me gone.
what do you want me to do with that?