OH MY GOD
Meal plan: $1,457
The sun: $3,381
FASFA BE LIKE : $14.78
fasfa can suck my dick
before, when i was reading about jeffrey dahmer i got really upset bc i related so much to him. not like, about wanting to fuck young dudes and then cutting off their penises and eating them. definitely cant feel you on that one, jeff. but about his emotional shit. and then i found out he had bpd and i lost it.
well now i was reading about the movie Monster, you know, where charlize theron is a super ugly crazy lesbian serial killer and i mean, fuck. how can i not relate to that. hahaha. minus being a prostitute and killing dudes, i am kind of a crazy lesbian. but then i read that it was based off a real life chick and she also had bpd.
so then i was like wow. correlation between bpd and killing people. thats fantastic. i mean, that is seriously concerning. i dont want to have a disorder that is associated with hurting other people. that is not okay. i already, CONSTANTLY, worry about the emotional turmoil i bring to everyone around me but if i fucking discover there is a potential for me to physically harm them, then i will fucking end me. i would never allow myself to live if it meant i was going to hurt everyone else. i already hurt them bc of my behavior but to actually physically harm them is a whole other level that i could never let myself get to.
i mean. ive never touched anybody in that kind of way bc im a fucking pussy and im a fucking pacifist and it hurts me so much when other people hurt, but i do get those goddamn rage fits where i lose all control over myself and i have worried about what will become of it and like i have definitely had to stop myself from hitting my ex gf bc she fucking pushed so far.
but. i didnt. i mean i wouldnt. i couldnt.i could never live with that.
and i know theres so many other factors at play and that i dont have bpd as bad as alot of people do and i came from a much nicer home life and childhood and all that. but holy fucking shit! to even have that be a possibility terrifies the shit out of me.
"Collectively, these studies— all using specific measures for personality disorder assessment— suggest that approximately 25 to 50 percent of prisoners suffer from BPD."
i have always had a huge, HUGE fear of ending up in prison, just on accident. one, bc of how this country is. christ you get locked up for carrying a bag of money like piper fucking chapman okay. and two, bc being trapped in any way shape or form is the worst feeling ever and i cant take it.
i just worry. i always worry. youve no idea what it feels like to not have control over your emotions which means control you have zero control over yourself.
DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NOT BE ABLE TO OPERATE YOU?!
idk it said some shit about how serial killers are almost always related to mental illness so thats nothing new and i know that but they also usually have that anti social disorder and lack of empathy which i def DONT have. i am hyper fucking massively overly empathetic so thats not an issue. but the impulsiveness and the emotional instability and the anger and the intense rage overreactions is fucking me up.
i just. dont want to be a bad person.
I DONT WANT TO BE FUCKING CRAZY.
but i am. for whatever godforsaken reason.
so i have to learn how to deal with this shit
but idk how the fuck im supposed to be okay with being associated with serial killers
i just know if i was ever at risk of hurting someone
i will put a fucking bullet in my head before i ever let that happen
and i dont really know which part of that scares me more
i want this to go away
this is why i never deal with anything
this is why i never read all those stupid bpd books i have
bc the more you know
the worse it gets
i just want it to stop
i didnt do anything to deserve this
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE CRAZY
i just dont think that i am actually going to be able to survive this and i really dont know what to do with that i would give anything, on this entire stupid floating rock, to not be this way. i would take almost anything else over being a monster.
Harry you wonderful boy. You brave, brave man.
Happy Birthday to Harry James Potter and more importantly to Joanne Rowling!!! Jo, life would suck so much more than it already does if you weren’t alive to bring magic into all of us. So, you know, a huge thanks to the universe or god or whoever is responsible for being like ‘ah lets give the world something good for a change’. I am forever grateful to you for writing the most brilliant story ever and I pray to all that is sacred that someday, I will be half as great, I will write something at least half as incredible, and I will touch half of all the lives that you have influenced and ultimately changed forever. Then, and only then, will I know I have succeeded. And to you, Harry, for saving both of our worlds, but mostly, for saving [me] on more occasions than I could ever even list. I could never have done it without you, kid. Happy birthday to two of the greatest people ever to exist. I love you forever and I will never forget all that you have given me. May this year on earth bring all good things to you. =]
“No story lives unless someone wants to listen. The stories we love best do live in us forever. So whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.” - J.K. Rowling
p.s. sorry for all the hp spam but today is kind of a big thing =0
Happy birthday Jo, thank you for everything.
Happy 34th Birthday Harry James Potter! (July 31)