i can’t stop laughing he’s like what no climb
omg i want a fucking chameleon
are you ever looking at weird stuff on the internet and ur paranoid its going to end up on facebook somehow because facebook is connected to like everything
dude everytime i watch porn i completely sign out and exit and re-open a new browser because fucking facebook has some weird as stalk my whole life kind of shit about it. NO THANK YOU
You know what I’m grateful for? That they never made movie covers for the Harry Potter books. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate that?
dude, YES. i fucking hate when they do that. and i never even noticed they didnt do it. you go, hp! you never let me down =]
I don’t know, man.
when you got nothing left,
you got nothing to lose
and no reason to stay,
is the best reason to go.
so I guess I’m moving on
i had to do this fucking online thing for philosophy but it was like the most confusing thing ever
so idk if i even did it right, but the deadlines at 11 so if i fucked up, i’ll fail the first fucking thing
and i swapped professors so many times, and i was so sad on wednesday that i couldnt even bear to go to the class, so now im behind and that is never a good place to be in college
whatever that stupid online shit is, i had to pay 25 bucks for it. it was originally 100 but they worked out a deal bc one of our professors wrote the stupid book so now his school gets a reduced price. so whatever, 25 is still 25 more that i already didnt have
now, i have to buy $400 worth of textbooks and i also have…none of that.
and i cant just not get them bc if i dont have them, i’ll fail the fucking classes and if i fail the fucking classes, the loan doesnt cover it so i have to pay roughly 5 grand out of my own pocket and THEN 5 more grand of debt to retake everything
so idk what the fuck i’m gonna do. mom cant help me bc she hasnt had a job and she’s trying to stand on her own two feet, she doesn’t have room to worry about me anymore
for the first time ever, i’m completely on my fucking own and i am not prepared for that at all
not only do i have to figure this school shit out but now i’ve got to also figure out where the hell i’m gonna live next semester and how the hell i’m supposed to pay for that on top of EVERYTHING else
and i need a fucking job something awful, but nobody will hire me in this fucking shit ass town bc i’m not conventional looking and bc i have to spend so much time going to school, they dont like working around that
so like wtf, i’m supposed to sell my soul to some shitty ass minimum wage job so i can work full time and never amount to anything? it’s like they wanna keep you oppressed and never fucking rise above, it’s fucking sick man
i had an interview yesterday but i blew it off bc she was with me and i talked myself out of it bc she thinks i’m better than that and i’m not blaming anybody, bc it wasn’t really what i wanted anyway but i should’ve gone and taken it regardless bc i need fucking money to buy all this shit. to buy my books and my fees and gas and you know, it would actually be nice to not be starving sometimes. and i still want to make her happy and she wants alot of shit. even if it’s not her, girls are expensive, okay? and it’s not even like that, i just wanna be able to hang out and go out to eat and go do fun shit bc i never got to give that to her before and i’m doing everything in my power to be better this time. just having fun and actually trying to enjoy life sometimes is fucking expensive.
and now i have like a million different assignments to read and i need fucking help understanding them but oh yeah, I DONT HAVE THE BOOK
and i cant figure out how to get fucking HOPE and nobody will explain anything
and there is so much pressure on me right now, bc i cant fuck up
there is zero room for error
i cant make anything less than perfect A’s.
and i cant work anywhere that stresses me the fuck out, like shit ass mcdonalds, bc i cannot take anymore stress right now and life is too god damn short to be crying on every shift. i dont care how much you need the money, if people mistreat you to the point of tears, you should not fucking work there.
except everything stresses me the fuck out and if its not good enough, i feel like i wont ever be good enough for her and if i’m not good enough for her, i’m not good enough for myself and if i don’t figure out how to get HOPE i’ll owe all this debt when i get out and my life will be over before it’s even started
and i cant even pick a major bc the ones i’m interested in will never get me a job and if they do, they wont be good jobs. and all i want is a wife and babies, except i wont be able to fucking support a wife and babies the way college is going so wtf is the point in doing anything when what i want, i wont be able to have bc fucking society has outpriced it to goddamn death
and i just feel like i’m doomed from the get go
it feels like there’s no way out and i don’t fucking like feeling trapped
i honestly dont know how everybody else does this shit
i dont know what to do about anything
it’s all too much
and im so scared that everything’s gonna slip away from me,
that i’m gonna fuck this up,
i’m too afraid to move at all
everything’s a fucking mess right now and it just feels like its never gonna end
all i want is for it to end
i cant take this pressure
get it the fuck off of me
i changed my okcupid profile to say “you should message me if you know any good jokes about giraffes” and someone responded “you, a baby, and a giraffe walked into a bar, and then you walked out with me! ;) ;)” and i’m so angry because that doesn’t even make sense, there is ZERO adherence to structural joke norms, why the fuck is the baby there? did we leave the baby at the bar? jesus christ, did we fucking leave the baby with the fucking giraffe, that is NOT RESPONSIBLE
one of the worst days of my life happened today
to the days austin and poppy died.
which is saying something bc ive had some pretty shit days since then
and it wasn’t even like i could flee from it. it was in my face, coming at me, the entire time. there was nothing i could do about it, it was just me sitting in my pain, all alone. i have never felt more alone than I did today. than I did last night. not even at austin’s funeral.
what really makes it the worst is there was something soooo good about it. i was so, so fucking unbelievably happy at the start. the best thing that could have ever happened, actually happened! and then. fucking flames, man. i ruin everything. no matter what i do, im never good enough. i never do anything right. do you know how it feels to be like that? to never get anything fucking right?! to try and try and try and try and you still don’t ever get there! i feel so useless. i’m like a god damn piece of trash that she aimed at the can, but missed and just left lying there. that’s what i am, a piece of trash stuck on the floor while people walk past me and never bother to pick me back up again. what a god damn tumultuous 48 hours. i hate rollercoasters okay, all this going up and down and back and forth and all these fucking mixed signals makes me so sick. i wish i could have stayed in the stupid delusional bubble. at least with us pretending it was okay, i wouldn’t be wanting to jump in front of fucking traffic right now.
i have no idea how i’m going to get through this again.
i seriously don’t.
i have absolutely nothing left.
my whole life, everything i care about living for, everything that i love, is gone.
how am i supposed to live with that?
and even if i can,
what’s the point in living when you don’t have anything you care about.
i don’t understand any of this.
when does it stop?